Motherhood

http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/03/14/parenting.not.always.peachy/index.html

http://www.workingmomsagainstguilt.com/

Social media outlets such as Facebook have become increasingly popular with all people including mothers young and old. Jill Smokler wrote an opinion piece entitled Less than Perfect Moms Need to Unite in which she describes how mothers on Facebook are playing up their children’s accomplishments and never mentioning any bad days they have had as mothers. She says, “Glance at any parent's Facebook page, and you'd think that parenthood is a picture-perfect joyride, filled with constant sunshine, never-ending ice cream sundaes and breathtaking double rainbows. With the occasional unicorn trotting by” (Smokler, 2011). Smokler is talking about how mothers on Facebook are acting like there is nothing but perfection in their lives. And from this, Smokler says, comes the idea that in other mother’s lives everything runs smoothly and the mother never reaches anything near a breaking point. Smokler’s idea of an unattainable ideal for mothers created through Facebook is echoed in the ideas of Douglas’ Enlightened Sexism and in anecdotal stories of women. Like Smokler’s standing up to the misconceptions generated through the façade women put up, Working Mothers Against Guilt is trying to make mothers know they are not alone in feeling like they haven’t been able to do it all and both are taking a strong step towards having a more open view of real life for women and mothers.

In her book Enlightened Sexism, Susan Douglas talks about how media has made a flawless woman for women to match that is not in alignment with reality. She says that women and men see TV characters as having actual lives that would be possible in the real world and not only possible but preferable. She says there are women who are flawless on TV and that is what real life women are expected to be like. If a woman does not reach the ideals she and others have put on herself she feels unworthy rather than normal, Douglas says. In this phenomenon that Douglas describes, I see a parallel in the current situation of mothers on Facebook. As Smokler describes, mothers are only displaying the best part of their lives with their children and families so other mothers are getting the impression that perfection has been achieved. Smokler tells us that mothers are only showing the ideal parts of their lives and not the ways in which their lives are not as great; none of the struggles of motherhood are portrayed. From this, other mothers are feeling subpar when they compare their lives to only the best parts of other’s, Smokler says, similar to the way that the women that Douglas describes feel when they compare themselves to the perfect women on TV.

In the recent women’s studies brown bag, young mothers talked about their experiences in motherhood thus far and many echoed the ideas of having been given a perception of some aspects of motherhood, like breastfeeding and the process of giving birth, that when they did not meet or feel up to this standard they felt bad about themselves, questioning what was wrong with them. They then went on to say how they realized that not everything is as perfect as many people described but some only realized this after talking about their situations again with the people who gave them their first impressions. This is reflective of what Smokler is talking about on Facebook in a more global sense because not only are women only displaying their best sides on the internet but they are also doing this in their discussions with other women. Douglas would see this also as an expansion of her ideas in Enlightened Sexism and probably suggest that not only mothers, but also all women give impressions of having everything perfect in their lives.

I came across an interesting website called Working Moms Against Guilt and found their commitment to telling it like it is inspiring. In their information section they say “We're moms. We work all day, bring home the bacon, and fry it up in a pan. Oh, and while we're at it, we're raising young children, along with our spouses/partners. As any working mom knows, we often battle the big "G." Guilt creeps up on us when we least expect it. Join us in our ongoing struggle to resist the guilt and embrace the journey” (WMAG, 2011). This mission statement is really reflected in their posts as they describe the many hardships and happiness of being a working mother and many other mothers reply with similar experiences. This website in contrast with what Smokler sees on Facebook, really shows women how hard it is to be a working mom and does not make a woman who struggles with keeping up with their life feel inadequate in any way. Smokler tries to bring about scenes of her reality when she says, “There is no such thing as the perfect parent. Or the perfect child, for that matter… But that doesn't mean that I don't feel like slamming the door in their faces just to be able to pee in peace. Sometimes, they run around like crazy wild animals and I feel like I have absolutely no control over them. It makes me cry. Sometimes, I yell out of sheer frustration. Sometimes, I don't feel like reading bedtime stories and they go to bed without them. None of that makes me a bad mother. It makes me real” (Smokler, 2011). Working Moms Against Guilt would probably applaud Smokler for being honest enough to share with others the real way her life goes rather than setting up false standards for other women.

In The Mommy Tax by Ann Critenden we see how much working mothers struggle with their decision financially and how at times they sacrifice professional and financial success while being deemed less capable of a worker by some for simply having children. Pinand in Stories from the Sidelines: Career Versus Family discusses her anecdotal struggles with deciding on being a mother and a working woman and how this has played into her planning her life and how she has to seriously think about how she will make things work in both her family and professional life. In The Lady and the Tramp: Feminist Welfare Politics, Poor Single Mothers, and the Challenge of Welfare Justice by Gwendolyn Mink, we hear about how closely tied motherhood is to many political issues and how women have been struggling to reconcile motherhood with other aspects of their lives including the circumstances of becoming a mother and how hard they may find doing housework without any compensation. In these readings I see a relation to the Working Moms Against Guilt because of how women should not be so wrapped up in considering every nuance of their lives in relation to how it appears to others and how mothers shoulder the burden of adding family to professional life.

Smokler shows us how mothers’ usage of Facebook has led to an image of the ideal mother and children where nothing ever goes wrong. This ideal has many women feeling like they do not match up to other mothers just like Susan Douglas describes women in general not feeling like they match up to TV characters and celebrities. This uneasy feeling many women are experiencing over motherhood was voiced during the recent brown bag where many of the mothers said that they had at times felt inadequate compared to the impression of motherhood they had gotten from talking to other mothers. In response to this type of unrealistic portrayal, people like Smokler and groups like Working Moms Against Guilt have been trying to show the real side of motherhood in order to counteract feelings of inadequacy. The issues with motherhood and working as a mother while trying to measure up to other people has been around for years as cited in many of our class readings and hopefully the counterbalancing efforts of people like Smokler and WMAG will allow women to be honest with each other and themselves and not feel so much pressure to be something they are not.

Smokler, Jill. "Less than Perfect Moms Need to Unite! - CNN.com." CNN.com - Breaking News, U.S., World, Weather, Entertainment & Video News. 14 Mar. 2011. Web. 31 Mar. 2011. http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/03/14/parenting.not.always.peachy/index.html

Working Moms Against Guilt. Web. 31 Mar. 2011. http://www.workingmomsagainstguilt.com/

Class Readings Used:

Stories from the Sidelines: Career Versus Family – Pinand

The Lady and the Tramp: Feminist Welfare Politics, Poor Single Mothers, and the Challenge of Welfare Justice - Gwendolyn Mink

The Mommy Tax - Ann Critenden

Enlightened Sexism – Susan Douglas